when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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