I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
