he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
