You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
