Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
