sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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