last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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