I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
