Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
