i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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