I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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