Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
