Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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