Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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