Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it because I queefed?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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