I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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