My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
