theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
