Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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