i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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