Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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