U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
