I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
