We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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