they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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