Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
