Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was CRYING into my vagina
birth control should be required to get into college
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
