Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
