last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
