i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
