I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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