She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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