I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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