Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
