this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I got inside last night via doggy door
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
