first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
