I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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