Your face is a jimmy john
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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