I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
