when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
