I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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