How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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