He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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