Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
