Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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