im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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