Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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