Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
that is very illegal...i love you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
