apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
