But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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