just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
