someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Randomize
