If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
