I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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