dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize