i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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