And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
