I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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