someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize