I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can't turn off my feet"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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