You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
