My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
