If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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