we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
