the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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