I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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